Fork and Salt Shaker - Come ignorant, leave slightly less so.

An unexpected and controversial city ordinance passed by a narrow margin yesterday in the small town of Ossining, New York – best known for its maximum security prison, Sing Sing Correctional Facility.

City officials introduced a bill that would legalize the use of marijuana within Sing Sing, and called for a special referendum at a town hall meeting Monday. The bill received majority support and will effectively make the possession and consumption of marijuana legal within the walls of the prison when it takes effect in early fall 2007.

“Our hope is that this bill will encourage left-leaning environmentalists, jazz musicians, the staff of High Times magazine and other miscreants throughout the Northeast United States to begin to think of Sing Sing as a liberal enclave and elect to move in. We envision being able to increase the prison population tenfold, thus creating new jobs for the citizens of Ossining while taking dangerous pot smokers off the streets,” said Councilman Phil Chambers, author of the so-called “Free to Smoke” bill.

When asked if it wouldn’t be possible for sojourning potheads to visit Ossining, take advantage of the legalized cannabis and then leave, Mr. Chambers was quick to point out that the “Free to Smoke” bill was a city ordinance, whereas Sing Sing Correctional Facility is run by the State, the laws of which take precedence.

“Anyone found smoking marijuana within Sing Sing is violating New York State law and will be immediately arrested,” Mr. Chambers said. “I originally wanted to call it the ‘If You Smoke Here You’d Be Home Already’ bill but I was convinced by my fellow council members that ‘Free to Smoke’ had a more convivial tone.”

This most recent effort of Councilman Chambers’ comes on the heels of more divisive propositions, which have included luring marijuana smokers toward a catapult with a trail of nickel bags. In Mr. Chambers’ original proposal, he himself would lay in wait within nearby bushes, jumping out and cutting the catapult’s rope when the pothead was in position.

The initial proposition called for “dopers” to be catapulted over city lines. However, succumbing to complaints from neighboring towns, Mr. Chambers modified his plan by suggesting the lured marijuana smokers be catapulted directly into the prison. The proposition was defeated by two votes.

Hostile, testosterone fueled Spike TV’s hit show Pros vs. Joes entered its second season this year. However, viewers remain confused as to who the actual losers on the program are.

Pros vs. Joes pits top athletes in various sports against everyday average Joe contestants who, despite often being well into their 30s, cannot stop living in a puerile fantasy world where they imagine themselves being one break away from playing shortstop for the New York Yankees – a delusion generally thought to be abandoned on average by the age of 13.

Adding to the bewilderment of observers is the inclusion of former professional athletes, or, “Pros,” for the average Joes (“Joes”) to compete against.

“I always thought there was a quiet dignity in the humble retirement of professional athletes who, having given their utmost to a sport, are confident enough to allow their body of work to speak for them,” said Spike viewer Daniel Stein. “But where’s the dignity in a former professional athlete squeezing himself back into a uniform that’s clearly rejecting him and attempting to dominate some insurance claims adjuster from Tucson on cable television?”

Part of the confusion seems to lie in the fact that, regardless of who actually wins the competition, all involved appear to be losers.

“I guess I just don’t get it. Even if you manage to get a hit off John Rocker, you still have to show up for work at Equinox’s juice bar on Monday and, either way, Rocker’s still gonna head back to his trailer in Macon and get lit on Thunderbird,” Sports psychologist Steve Klemp said.

While the popularity of such shows is largely attributed to Americans’ voracious desire to witness anyone making an ass of themselves publicly, some viewers once awash in the numbingly vapid world of reality television are beginning to change the channel.

Mr. Stein’s incredulity was palpable. “First dancing with the stars and now this? I mean, I like Xavier McDaniel but come on! We get it. He’s still tall.”

Officials from the Washington Post Company, owner of Slate, announced today that the production of the online magazine came to an abrupt halt when it became apparent the staff had lost the communal thesaurus. It is expected Slate will remain on hiatus until a suitable replacement thesaurus can be found or the original turns up.

Slate, founded in 1996 and renowned for its trademark irreverent commentary within ostentatiously verbose articles, is widely used by the potentially pretentious as a springboard from fluffy, gossip-mongering rags to more overtly erudite reading.

Exactly how the magazine’s thesaurus was lost remains a mystery. One staff member, speaking on the condition of anonymity due to a fear of being unable to quip esoteric on the fly, described the unsettling scene in the Slate offices earlier today. “I was, um, like, sad…you know? Because the…book was, uh…gone.”

Witnesses paint a harrowing picture of bewildered columnists flocking to a fire escape and shouting down to pedestrians below for help.

Jim Mapleton, who was outside of Slate’s offices at the time, said, “I remember hearing a writer scream out ‘I need a word for not-rough-around-the-edges!’ You could sense the desperation in his voice. I did my best to help and yelled out ‘Urbane!’ but I don’t think he heard me. It was… it was horrible.”

After experiencing gains of 62 percent in the month of February, DryTech, a producer of adult diapers and other incontinence related products, closed Thursday at $5 per share – a record high for the company.

Experts attribute the increase in sales to astronaut Lisa Nowak. “Previously, adult diapers suffered from the stigma that they were only appropriate for the elderly or infirm. Ms Nowak has turned that perception on its head,” said market watcher and shut-in Stan Splecht in-between spoonfuls of cat food.

Ms. Nowak achieved infamy after a 900-mile drive from Houston to Orlando in order to confront a coworker over what police are calling a “love triangle” involving a fellow astronaut. However, attempted murder and kidnapping aside, it is Ms. Nowak’s choice of undergarment – worn to avoid bathroom breaks during the trip – that is impacting the market.

“She was wearing our T-377p model,” DryTech spokesman Jim Hindrumple stated. “This particular diaper is probably overkill for 900 miles worth of urine. I would have recommended our T-375f, which has a slightly smaller reservoir making it less restricting for such a drive, yet entirely capable of handling everything thrown at it.”

When asked of Ms. Nowak’s role in the adult diaper renaissance, Mr. Hindrumple admitted, “She’s had a profound effect in that people are beginning to see the advantages of adult diapers and not just for crossing state lines to kidnap and kill a rival in an extramarital affair. She’s made Americans see adult diapers as a viable option for people on the go.”

However, the adult diaper appeal doesn’t end there. “My couch is very comfortable and my bathroom is all the way down the hall,” HIGH TIMES freelancer Brian O’Halleran said. “For a while, I was just peeing in a bottle but then I saw that astronaut on TV and I thought, ‘why not give diapers a try?’”

DryTech has plans for a new advertising campaign this spring that reportedly will show various situations such as two bikers arm wrestling, a student taking a standardized test, and a woman fellating a horse with each having to suddenly and awkwardly stop and head for a bathroom. The slogan will call into question the traditional logistics of bodily excretions.

While some stockholders remain weary of the resent boon, concerned that a conviction in the case could lead to losses down the road, Mr. Hindrumple is confident. “Regardless of Ms. Nowak’s fate, she’s put adult diapers on the map and opened the eyes of many potential customers who are either too busy, too lazy, too stoned or too mentally ill to use a bathroom.”

Still, it is expected that the powerful adult diaper lobby in Washington D.C. will be pressuring Orlando officials for leniency as well as contributing to Ms. Nowak’s defense.

In a related story, an official from Pampers, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told F&SS that, “The attention adult diapers are currently receiving completely undercuts the traditional and socially acceptable purpose of diapers.” The official went on to say, “This is a market we’ve dominated for years and we’re not going to share it with anyone.”

Pampers expressed a concern common among producers of diapers intended for babies, namely that of a paradigm shift allowing the diaper market to expand to include ages 3-75.

A group calling themselves “Babies for Diapers for Babies” plans to march on Orlando in a show of solidarity against Lisa Nowak and her adult diaper lifestyle. The National Guard has been called in to control the babies and prevent the outbreak of violence.

In an ongoing series of antithetically headlined articles, which has included: ‘Cigarettes are Good for You’ and ‘The Earth is Flat, Again,’ The New York Times recently reported the findings of a clinical trial by GlaxoSmithKline, whose data indicates a connection between the antidepressant drug, Paxil, and suicidal thoughts. And while only a single suicide in the trail was carried out successfully, one could sense panic on the horizon.

“There’s a lot of money, believe it or not, in the pharmaceutical industry. A report like this could turn people off to Paxil and have them attempting to find relief through other means such as living well or adopting a pet to abuse,” said suicide proponent, Dr. Jack Kevorkian. “People anticipate and accept certain negative corollaries from a drug like Paxil, such as impotence, laziness or weight gain but suicide, for many people, is unacceptable as a side effect.”

Resident F&SS suicide expert, Sven Guput, was unavailable for comment having committed suicide – particularly well – several days before the Times article went to print.

An autopsy report indicated that Paxil was not found in Mr. Guput’s system at the time of his death.

In a second effort to attain an expert opinion on this subject, F&SS attempted to contact Sylvia Plath. Sadly, Ms. Plath was unavailable for comment as well.

Finally, we reached out to Dorothy Parker for comment. While far from an expert, having attempted the self-dispatching of her soul to the great unknown unsuccessfully an unprecedented four times, we felt Mrs. Parker would at least be able to provide a witty quip for a sound bite regarding the irony of the findings in the fashion of her fabled acerbic wit.

However, despite her ineptitude when it came to suicide, she is, we discovered, nonetheless, dead. Proving, quite possibly, that suicide is not the number one cause of death for embittered, early to mid 20th century female writers.

Not to be deterred, F&SS bought an Ouija board (an Ouija board?) and again called on Mrs. Parker. This time successfully.

At first surly and terse – almost as if she’d been awoken from a deep, drunken slumber – Mrs. Parker angrily spelt out, “W-H-A-T D-O Y-O-U W-A-N-T?” We assumed it to be angry spelling as the movements were jerky and sudden and we felt as if the question had been posed in a somewhat less than amicable tone. Sev later described it as, ‘a bit bitchy.’

When asked for comment on the recent clinical findings Mrs. Parker came across as dismissive – spelling out: “D-I-D Y-O-U E-V-E-R C-O-N-S-I-D-E-R T-H-A-T T-H-O-S-E T-A-K-I-N-G P-A-X-I-L W-O-U-L-D M-O-S-T L-I-K-E-L-Y B-E P-R-E-D-I-S-P-O-S-E-D T-O D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N A-N-D T-H-U-S M-O-R-E L-I-K-E-L-Y T-O S-U-F-F-E-R F-R-O-M S-U-I-C-I-D-A-L T-H-O-U-G-H-T-S-?”

This took quite a long time. One F&SS staff member present was treated for wrist cramping at a local hospital and released that same evening. His lawsuit against Mrs. Parker for creating an unsafe working environment resulting in Carpal Tunnel Syndrome will be heard later this month.

Having lost interest somewhere in the middle of Mrs. Parker’s comment, the remaining staff then packed up the Ouija board and a game of quarters broke out.

In a related story, President Bush, upon learning that Paxil was linked to an increase in suicidal tendencies, now considers pharmaceutical company and Paxil producer, GlaxoSmithKline, in violation of United Nations resolutions prohibiting the production and possession of weapons of mass destruction. Mr. Bush stated that he has not ruled out the use of force to topple the regime.

Both China and Russia have brought the US pressured UN Security Council to a standstill with their refusal to invoke sanctions or Chapter 7 of the UN charter, fearing the latter could result in use of force or invasion.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was quick to remind Mr. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair that GlaxoSmithKline is headquartered in the UK with many branches in the United States – both being countries that are allowed to possess weapons of mass destruction.

Mr. Bush quickly turned his attention to border security.

In a recent press conference, Hummer/GM spokesman Jim Erthfahk announced the carmaker’s next endeavor, the H4. The announcement came at a time when crude oil prices reached a new record high in the world market, at just over $83 a barrel, and thus was met with criticism by several low level, obscenely idealistic democrats trying to raise campaign funds in Oregon or Vermont and to whom no one paid attention.

When asked if the timing was right for a new line of what is quite possibly the most offensive, ill-conceived, environmentally devastating recreational vehicle on the planet, Erthfahk responded, “The original Hummer is a classic. The H2 and H3 have been very successful as well. Now, we’d like to introduce the world to the H4.”

When told by reporters that he had failed to answer the question posed to him, Erthfahk pulled the sheet off an object behind him revealing the H4. The sleight-of-hand amused the assembly of reporters who at first gasped and then cooed with satisfaction.

Best described as a golf-cart with a V-8 engine, the H4 gets two and a half miles per gallon on the golf course – slightly more if it is put into neutral and pushed. While the H4 is not meant for highway driving, Erthfahk was quick to remind the assembly that it could in fact, “still fuck up a Volkswagen.”

Originally designed as a vehicle for the Department of Defense, meant to patrol golf courses in the event of an invasion on American soil, the fully equipped H4 comes complete with swiveling anti-aircraft automatic machinegun mounts, bulletproof windows, armor-plated chassis and detachable front, rear and side bayonet stations.

“Perhaps the most impressive thing about this vehicle is the fact that the H4 can actually clear a plot of tree-tangled land and help you create your own course,” Erthfahk stated without even the slightest hint of sarcasm.

Presented by Hummer as a hybrid vehicle – hybrid in the sense that it combines golf-cart style with top of the line military technology forming a golf/combat cart/tank with wheels – the H4 will unapologetically arrive at dealerships nationwide this July.

“There simply is no better way to intimidate on the golf course,” said Erthfahk. “We’ve already sold two to James Taylor. He’s trying to change his image.”

When reached for comment, Hillary Clinton stated, “While I personally do not drive a Hummer, I recognize my right not to alienate the potential voters that do.” It is possible that she continued to speak, unfortunately there was an air conditioner droning at the same time and it became impossible to differentiate between the two.