An unexpected and controversial city ordinance passed by a narrow margin yesterday in the small town of Ossining, New York – best known for its maximum security prison, Sing Sing Correctional Facility.
City officials introduced a bill that would legalize the use of marijuana within Sing Sing, and called for a special referendum at a town hall meeting Monday. The bill received majority support and will effectively make the possession and consumption of marijuana legal within the walls of the prison when it takes effect in early fall 2007.
“Our hope is that this bill will encourage left-leaning environmentalists, jazz musicians, the staff of High Times magazine and other miscreants throughout the Northeast United States to begin to think of Sing Sing as a liberal enclave and elect to move in. We envision being able to increase the prison population tenfold, thus creating new jobs for the citizens of Ossining while taking dangerous pot smokers off the streets,” said Councilman Phil Chambers, author of the so-called “Free to Smoke” bill.
Hostile, testosterone fueled Spike TV’s hit show Pros vs. Joes entered its second season this year. However, viewers remain confused as to who the actual losers on the program are.
Pros vs. Joes pits top athletes in various sports against everyday average Joe contestants who, despite often being well into their 30s, cannot stop living in a puerile fantasy world where they imagine themselves being one break away from playing shortstop for the New York Yankees – a delusion generally thought to be abandoned on average by the age of 13.
Adding to the bewilderment of observers is the inclusion of former professional athletes, or, “Pros,” for the average Joes (“Joes”) to compete against.
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Officials from the Washington Post Company, owner of Slate, announced today that the production of the online magazine came to an abrupt halt when it became apparent the staff had lost the communal thesaurus. It is expected Slate will remain on hiatus until a suitable replacement thesaurus can be found or the original turns up.
Slate, founded in 1996 and renowned for its trademark irreverent commentary within ostentatiously verbose articles, is widely used by the potentially pretentious as a springboard from fluffy, gossip-mongering rags to more overtly erudite reading.
Exactly how the magazine’s thesaurus was lost remains a mystery. One staff member, speaking on the condition of anonymity due to a fear of being unable to quip esoteric on the fly, described the unsettling scene in the Slate offices earlier today. “I was, um, like, sad… you know? Because the… book was, uh… gone.”
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After experiencing gains of 62 percent in the month of February, DryTech, a producer of adult diapers and other incontinence related products, closed Thursday at $5 per share – a record high for the company.
Experts attribute the increase in sales to astronaut Lisa Nowak. “Previously, adult diapers suffered from the stigma that they were only appropriate for the elderly or infirm. Ms Nowak has turned that perception on its head,” said market watcher and shut-in Stan Splecht in-between spoonfuls of cat food.
Ms. Nowak achieved infamy after a 900-mile drive from Houston to Orlando in order to confront a coworker over what police are calling a “love triangle” involving a fellow astronaut. However, attempted murder and kidnapping aside, it is Ms. Nowak’s choice of undergarment – worn to avoid bathroom breaks during the trip – that is impacting the market.
“She was wearing our T-377p model,” DryTech spokesman Jim Hindrumple stated. “This particular diaper is probably overkill for 900 miles worth of urine. I would have recommended our T-375f, which has a slightly smaller reservoir making it less restricting for such a drive, yet entirely capable of handling everything thrown at it.”
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In an ongoing series of antithetically headlined articles, which has included: ‘Cigarettes are Good for You’ and ‘The Earth is Flat, Again,’ The New York Times recently reported the findings of a clinical trial by GlaxoSmithKline, whose data indicates a connection between the antidepressant drug, Paxil, and suicidal thoughts. And while only a single suicide in the trail was carried out successfully, one could sense panic on the horizon.
“There’s a lot of money, believe it or not, in the pharmaceutical industry. A report like this could turn people off to Paxil and have them attempting to find relief through other means such as living well or adopting a pet to abuse,†said suicide proponent, Dr. Jack Kevorkian. “People anticipate and accept certain negative corollaries from a drug like Paxil, such as impotence, laziness or weight gain but suicide, for many people, is unacceptable as a side effect.â€
Resident F&SS suicide expert, Sven Guput, was unavailable for comment having committed suicide – particularly well – several days before the Times article went to print.
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In a recent press conference, Hummer/GM spokesman Jim Erthfahk announced the carmaker’s next endeavor, the H4. The announcement came at a time when crude oil prices reached a new record high in the world market, at just over $83 a barrel, and thus was met with criticism by several low level, obscenely idealistic democrats trying to raise campaign funds in Oregon or Vermont and to whom no one paid attention.
When asked if the timing was right for a new line of what is quite possibly the most offensive, ill-conceived, environmentally devastating recreational vehicle on the planet, Erthfahk responded, “The original Hummer is a classic. The H2 and H3 have been very successful as well. Now, we’d like to introduce the world to the H4.â€
When told by reporters that he had failed to answer the question posed to him, Erthfahk pulled the sheet off an object behind him revealing the H4. The sleight-of-hand amused the assembly of reporters who at first gasped and then cooed with satisfaction.
Best described as a golf-cart with a V-8 engine, the H4 gets two and a half miles per gallon on the golf course – slightly more if it is put into neutral and pushed. While the H4 is not meant for highway driving, Erthfahk was quick to remind the assembly that it could in fact, “still fuck up a Volkswagen.â€
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When I first met Ms. Capulet, who assumed the surname of Shakespeare’s famous star-crossed lover as means of concealing her identity, I must admit I was taken aback. For all I’d heard of her, I was expecting to spend the afternoon with a monster. And yet the slight, blond-haired, soft-spoken woman I met was anything but fiendish – even offering me a spot of Earl Grey tea upon my arrival.
While her appearance did not sync up with my preconceived conjuring – so far from a bestiality proponent did she come across – one glance at the decor that adorned the walls of her foyer reconfirmed her peculiar passion and kept me uneasy for the duration of our talk. It should be said, however, that, given some of the pictures I’d come across on the Internet while researching this article, Ms. Capulet’s collection was tame by comparison – achieving an air that can only be described as gracefully conservative canine eroticism.
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