Hello there faithful F&SS readers. My name is mike and I’m addressing you directly in an effort to shamelessly promote the production of a play I wrote called The Architect of Destiny. Originally produced in Los Angeles in the Fall of 2004, the play is being given its NYC premiere beginning on June 1st, 2006 in the West Village of Manhattan.

So, if you’ve liked some of the writing on this site (i.e. dark and disturbing comedy that makes you both wet your pants and think) you might also enjoy The Architect of Destiny. If you’ve hated every word printed on F&SS, you might enjoy heckling me in public.

This is fine, provided you pay the price of admission beforehand ($15). Additionally, please notify us of any planned assassination attempt no less than three business days in advance of said attempt.

Okay, so, please come and see The Architect of Destiny, assuming it’s convenient for you. You can click here (Theater Mania) for ticket, production or cast information or go to the production company’s Web site (Inch Mile).

Finally, as a special bonus for F&SS readers, I’ve included a bit of sample dialogue so you have some idea of what you’re in for.

Thank you for your attention.

Click below for sample dialogue from The Architect of Destiny…

In an ongoing series of antithetically headlined articles, which has included: ‘Cigarettes are Good for You’ and ‘The Earth is Flat, Again,’ The New York Times recently reported the findings of a clinical trial by GlaxoSmithKline, whose data indicates a connection between the antidepressant drug, Paxil, and suicidal thoughts. And while only a single suicide in the trail was carried out successfully, one could sense panic on the horizon.

“There’s a lot of money, believe it or not, in the pharmaceutical industry. A report like this could turn people off to Paxil and have them attempting to find relief through other means such as living well or adopting a pet to abuse,” said suicide proponent, Dr. Jack Kevorkian. “People anticipate and accept certain negative corollaries from a drug like Paxil, such as impotence, laziness or weight gain but suicide, for many people, is unacceptable as a side effect.”

Resident F&SS suicide expert, Sven Guput, was unavailable for comment having committed suicide – particularly well – several days before the Times article went to print.

Click below for the full text…

In a recent press conference, Hummer/GM spokesman Jim Erthfahk announced the carmaker’s next endeavor, the H4. The announcement came at a time when crude oil prices reached a new record high in the world market, at just over $83 a barrel, and thus was met with criticism by several low level, obscenely idealistic democrats trying to raise campaign funds in Oregon or Vermont and to whom no one paid attention.

When asked if the timing was right for a new line of what is quite possibly the most offensive, ill-conceived, environmentally devastating recreational vehicle on the planet, Erthfahk responded, “The original Hummer is a classic. The H2 and H3 have been very successful as well. Now, we’d like to introduce the world to the H4.”

When told by reporters that he had failed to answer the question posed to him, Erthfahk pulled the sheet off an object behind him revealing the H4. The sleight-of-hand amused the assembly of reporters who at first gasped and then cooed with satisfaction.

Best described as a golf-cart with a V-8 engine, the H4 gets two and a half miles per gallon on the golf course – slightly more if it is put into neutral and pushed. While the H4 is not meant for highway driving, Erthfahk was quick to remind the assembly that it could in fact, “still fuck up a Volkswagen.”

Click below for the full text…

When I first met Ms. Capulet, who assumed the surname of Shakespeare’s famous star-crossed lover as means of concealing her identity, I must admit I was taken aback. For all I’d heard of her, I was expecting to spend the afternoon with a monster. And yet the slight, blond-haired, soft-spoken woman I met was anything but fiendish – even offering me a spot of Earl Grey tea upon my arrival.

While her appearance did not sync up with my preconceived conjuring – so far from a bestiality proponent did she come across – one glance at the decor that adorned the walls of her foyer reconfirmed her peculiar passion and kept me uneasy for the duration of our talk. It should be said, however, that, given some of the pictures I’d come across on the Internet while researching this article, Ms. Capulet’s collection was tame by comparison – achieving an air that can only be described as gracefully conservative canine eroticism.

Click below for the full text…

I had a nightmare the other night. I was at a blogger’s convention at the Jacob Javits Center. And while suddenly finding myself adrift amongst a sea of self-important, techno-hipster shut-ins – all simultaneously holding the belief that you and I should devote our Saturday nights to reading their stream of consciousness thoughts off a computer screen to be self-evident – would normally have far exceeded the minimum requirement for me to awake screaming and sweat drenched, the worst was yet to come. For, from within this sea of faceless self-promoters, materialized some of Fork & Salt Shaker’s most devoted readers.

What ensued was a guilt trip of epic proportions. Questions were posed:

“What happened to F&SS?”
“Are you guys retired?”
“Have you given up?”
“You disgust me!” Well, that one wasn’t a question.
“Etc., etc., etc.” That probably shouldn’t be in quotes…

Click below for the full text…