Officials from the Washington Post Company, owner of Slate, announced today that the production of the online magazine came to an abrupt halt when it became apparent the staff had lost the communal thesaurus. It is expected Slate will remain on hiatus until a suitable replacement thesaurus can be found or the original turns up.

Slate, founded in 1996 and renowned for its trademark irreverent commentary within ostentatiously verbose articles, is widely used by the potentially pretentious as a springboard from fluffy, gossip-mongering rags to more overtly erudite reading.

Exactly how the magazine’s thesaurus was lost remains a mystery. One staff member, speaking on the condition of anonymity due to a fear of being unable to quip esoteric on the fly, described the unsettling scene in the Slate offices earlier today. “I was, um, like, sad… you know? Because the… book was, uh… gone.”

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After experiencing gains of 62 percent in the month of February, DryTech, a producer of adult diapers and other incontinence related products, closed Thursday at $5 per share – a record high for the company.

Experts attribute the increase in sales to astronaut Lisa Nowak. “Previously, adult diapers suffered from the stigma that they were only appropriate for the elderly or infirm. Ms Nowak has turned that perception on its head,” said market watcher and shut-in Stan Splecht in-between spoonfuls of cat food.

Ms. Nowak achieved infamy after a 900-mile drive from Houston to Orlando in order to confront a coworker over what police are calling a “love triangle” involving a fellow astronaut. However, attempted murder and kidnapping aside, it is Ms. Nowak’s choice of undergarment – worn to avoid bathroom breaks during the trip – that is impacting the market.

“She was wearing our T-377p model,” DryTech spokesman Jim Hindrumple stated. “This particular diaper is probably overkill for 900 miles worth of urine. I would have recommended our T-375f, which has a slightly smaller reservoir making it less restricting for such a drive, yet entirely capable of handling everything thrown at it.”

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