Mar 07
7
Adult Diaper Sales Skyrocket Thanks to Deranged Astronaut
After experiencing gains of 62 percent in the month of February, DryTech, a producer of adult diapers and other incontinence related products, closed Thursday at $5 per share – a record high for the company.
Experts attribute the increase in sales to astronaut Lisa Nowak. “Previously, adult diapers suffered from the stigma that they were only appropriate for the elderly or infirm. Ms Nowak has turned that perception on its head,” said market watcher and shut-in Stan Splecht in-between spoonfuls of cat food.
Ms. Nowak achieved infamy after a 900-mile drive from Houston to Orlando in order to confront a coworker over what police are calling a “love triangle” involving a fellow astronaut. However, attempted murder and kidnapping aside, it is Ms. Nowak’s choice of undergarment – worn to avoid bathroom breaks during the trip – that is impacting the market.
“She was wearing our T-377p model,” DryTech spokesman Jim Hindrumple stated. “This particular diaper is probably overkill for 900 miles worth of urine. I would have recommended our T-375f, which has a slightly smaller reservoir making it less restricting for such a drive, yet entirely capable of handling everything thrown at it.”
When asked of Ms. Nowak’s role in the adult diaper renaissance, Mr. Hindrumple admitted, “She’s had a profound effect in that people are beginning to see the advantages of adult diapers and not just for crossing state lines to kidnap and kill a rival in an extramarital affair. She’s made Americans see adult diapers as a viable option for people on the go.”
However, the adult diaper appeal doesn’t end there. “My couch is very comfortable and my bathroom is all the way down the hall,” HIGH TIMES freelancer Brian O’Halleran said. “For a while, I was just peeing in a bottle but then I saw that astronaut on TV and I thought, ‘why not give diapers a try?’”
DryTech has plans for a new advertising campaign this spring that reportedly will show various situations such as two bikers arm wrestling, a student taking a standardized test, and a woman fellating a horse with each having to suddenly and awkwardly stop and head for a bathroom. The slogan will call into question the traditional logistics of bodily excretions.
While some stockholders remain weary of the resent boon, concerned that a conviction in the case could lead to losses down the road, Mr. Hindrumple is confident. “Regardless of Ms. Nowak’s fate, she’s put adult diapers on the map and opened the eyes of many potential customers who are either too busy, too lazy, too stoned or too mentally ill to use a bathroom.”
Still, it is expected that the powerful adult diaper lobby in Washington D.C. will be pressuring Orlando officials for leniency as well as contributing to Ms. Nowak’s defense.
In a related story, an official from Pampers, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told F&SS that, “The attention adult diapers are currently receiving completely undercuts the traditional and socially acceptable purpose of diapers.” The official went on to say, “This is a market we’ve dominated for years and we’re not going to share it with anyone.”
Pampers expressed a concern common among producers of diapers intended for babies, namely that of a paradigm shift allowing the diaper market to expand to include ages 3-75.
A group calling themselves “Babies for Diapers for Babies” plans to march on Orlando in a show of solidarity against Lisa Nowak and her adult diaper lifestyle. The National Guard has been called in to control the babies and prevent the outbreak of violence.