Officials from the Washington Post Company, owner of Slate, announced today that the production of the online magazine came to an abrupt halt when it became apparent the staff had lost the communal thesaurus. It is expected Slate will remain on hiatus until a suitable replacement thesaurus can be found or the original turns up.

Slate, founded in 1996 and renowned for its trademark irreverent commentary within ostentatiously verbose articles, is widely used by the potentially pretentious as a springboard from fluffy, gossip-mongering rags to more overtly erudite reading.

Exactly how the magazine’s thesaurus was lost remains a mystery. One staff member, speaking on the condition of anonymity due to a fear of being unable to quip esoteric on the fly, described the unsettling scene in the Slate offices earlier today. “I was, um, like, sad…you know? Because the…book was, uh…gone.”

Witnesses paint a harrowing picture of bewildered columnists flocking to a fire escape and shouting down to pedestrians below for help.

Jim Mapleton, who was outside of Slate’s offices at the time, said, “I remember hearing a writer scream out ‘I need a word for not-rough-around-the-edges!’ You could sense the desperation in his voice. I did my best to help and yelled out ‘Urbane!’ but I don’t think he heard me. It was… it was horrible.”

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